Skip to main content

Cocoon





I spent a lot of time alone. For the first time in my life I truly reflected on where I am, where I wanna go and where I have been. I cannot go back and undo anything. There are no do-overs. Just moments that will matter. 

 I was raised on sitcoms and soap operas. I wrote plays and skits as a child. In my teenage years I rebelled but I was given absolution from my Family and God when both my sons were born a generation apart. The two human beings that I never once thought about not bringing into this world. 

I’m living every day on purpose and in my own element. I’m thriving because I’m changing everything I ever was into everything I can be. I had to give myself permission to do this . It changed my life. 

I tried to see the good in everyone. It’s not my journey. I can’t care about everyone. Mommy told me that after Chevelle died. She told me my heart was so big. But it can’t carry everyone . It will burst. She said she knows I thought she was a bit cold but it was self preservation. You need this in this life. She was preparing me to exist without her. I had never lived without her. I still don’t. I feel her everywhere. 

 She never really talked about my Father after he died. It was just how it was and I accepted it. It took her a long time to get passed his death. But this bright, spring day she said that Daddy was a great man and if she had to do it all over again she would. She loved how he loved us. She loved how he loved his Mother. She said that he always thought she didn’t really love him but the truth was she loved him so much that she had to love herself more. When he died she realized he loved her more than he loved himself. That’s what made her so sad. To never see your favorite person again. She was in disbelief for a LONG time. Don’t get me wrong they had real shit go on through the years. In the end it was just them though literally. 

They created us. They raised us with honor, loyalty and warmth. I painted it so wrong in my mind. Now that they are gone the vividness of the love is blinding. I have two children and I understand. I love them equally yet differently. They are both my children. My Grandparents loved us all like I love Bella. They loved me! And I don’t care who didn’t get loved!

 Love yourself. It took me so long to get where I am today. I have come so far. It is my story. My life. My existence. I’m GOOD. I am them. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2026

  Healing comes in many forms. I can only speak for myself but setting firm boundaries and choosing not to engage works wonders. I literally see people’s names and recoil.  I always was making the effort. I’m not begging nobody to be in my life. I didn’t do nothing to nobody. JJ requires so MUCH of me. It’s funny because I realized just how much people don’t give AF when I stopped giving AF. I don’t CARE. If I NEVER spoke to some people again in LIFE  I will NEVER give AF. I laugh because life is so much easier without other people sh*t wearing you down. MAD out of NOWHERE. Creating FAKE conflict. Acting like yall not worried about ME but watch EVERYTHING I DO!  I raised a whole human being before I was forty. It was good and bad times but at least I can say I was present and didn’t give up. I tell a lot of jokes but I sleep good ever night behind my kids. I do. Can’t nobody make me feel BAD. Some of yall wanna dress like me, have my bubbly personality. Overcome adve...
Post a Comment
Read more

Family Ties

When you are an overachiever, successful and KiND you can’t let people drain and drag you down because they can’t RELATE. It will change your personality because you will be on sets and in rooms that you don’t belong in.  Don’t you think I KNOW that if I was docile, submissive, subservient and STUPID what my life would be LIKE? Who I would of become? Where I would of ended up?  Until RECENTLY I HONESTLY was SCARED to TELL my STORY. I STILL wasn’t READY. But being at Auntie S’s beautiful home last Christmas and her pleading with me to WRITE our STORY with her beautiful, clear Doe looking eyes that mirror my Grendmothers I KNEW I had too. Nana used to look at me the SAME way.  Because my Uncle Sam who has ALWAYS had my BACK throughout my entire life whether it be OVERJOYED I was SKIPPING a GRADE. Helping  me write my business PLAN, letting me drive his BRAND new CAR for my road test and being the FIRST one in my FAMILY including my parents that I told I was pregnant wi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Imitation of Life

  I read that when you feel stressed out you should plan a vacation. My good friend who supported me throughout the years in many ways invited me to celebrate her birthday with her. I’m really excited because she’s amazing and a true BOSS and we are going to have a TIME.  I am making monumental strides in life. I’m Moving Right Along like my Father taught me. Early this morning my Aunt Darlene’s post about my Mothers favorite song “I wanna Thank You” (Heavenly Father) by Alicia Meyers. It’s Michael B. Jordan’s favorite song too. He said it in Vogue’s 73 Questions.  Just seeing my Mothers Name and the fact that this was her song brought so many memories back. This world is beyond ridiculous now. Like my heart hurts but I cannot let it break. So I’m living each day on purpose in my truest form. Self care is not selfish it’s a necessity. We watch reality tv and come on. All that money. It doesn’t buy happiness but it alleviates so many problems. So choose peace every day. An...
Post a Comment
Read more