Cocoon

I spent a lot of time alone. For the first time in my life I truly reflected on where I am, where I wanna go and where I have been. I cannot go back and undo anything. There are no do-overs. Just moments that will matter. 

 I was raised on sitcoms and soap operas. I wrote plays and skits as a child. In my teenage years I rebelled but I was given absolution from my Family and God when both my sons were born a generation apart. The two human beings that I never once thought about not bringing into this world. 

I’m living every day on purpose and in my own element. I’m thriving because I’m changing everything I ever was into everything I can be. I had to give myself permission to do this . It changed my life. 

I tried to see the good in everyone. It’s not my journey. I can’t care about everyone. Mommy told me that after Chevelle died. She told me my heart was so big. But it can’t carry everyone . It will burst. She said she knows I thought she was a bit cold but it was self preservation. You need this in this life. She was preparing me to exist without her. I had never lived without her. I still don’t. I feel her everywhere. 

 She never really talked about my Father after he died. It was just how it was and I accepted it. It took her a long time to get passed his death. But this bright, spring day she said that Daddy was a great man and if she had to do it all over again she would. She loved how he loved us. She loved how he loved his Mother. She said that he always thought she didn’t really love him but the truth was she loved him so much that she had to love herself more. When he died she realized he loved her more than he loved himself. That’s what made her so sad. To never see your favorite person again. She was in disbelief for a LONG time. Don’t get me wrong they had real shit go on through the years. In the end it was just them though literally. 

They created us. They raised us with honor, loyalty and warmth. I painted it so wrong in my mind. Now that they are gone the vividness of the love is blinding. I have two children and I understand. I love them equally yet differently. They are both my children. My Grandparents loved us all like I love Bella. They loved me! And I don’t care who didn’t get loved!

 Love yourself. It took me so long to get where I am today. I have come so far. It is my story. My life. My existence. I’m GOOD. I am them.