Dear Mama

This is the third Spring my Mother has been gone. She left quietly on a bright Fall morning.I know now she couldn’t stay another day. If I had of been there Jermaine wouldn’t be here now. All of my life my Mother was there for me. Even in death she continues to guide me. She taught me so many things. She used to always put so much pressure on me to always do my best. I resented her for that but now I know WHY she did it. She knew the world was hard and people are cruel and life will be unfair but intelligence and class will always win.

I have two children. Born a generation apart  and in the state of the world a lifetime divides them. I love them separately yet equally and above all unconditionally. My oldest is grown and as I guide him through life I often use the wsdom my Mother instilled in me to direct him. His guilt trips and woe is me that he does at times I shake off just like my Mother did to me. My Mother wasn’t a melancholic person. Even if she felt bad she wouldn’t show it. I have devoted so much of my book to her. She was the Queen of multitasking as well. I inherited that from her. I’m writing this in the Doctors office because I have a rare break from my son. I’ve already made my grocery list, my bills and planning the kids birthdays which I’ve been working on for months. After this I’m going for an X-ray. I try not to complain because her whole life she lived for everyone else. 

  I have a date tonight and I’m so excited. So out my comfort zone but good for my spirit. I need to have fun. There’s some things you just want to and can only share with your Mother. Above all I want to say sorry to my Mother for all the times throughout my life that I was not nice to her. Each time took a toll and Mommy was one of the best people not just Mothers that ever walked this earth. She had such a gauge of people. She chalked it up to the “Gift” Granny, her and I “have” of being almost able to foresee things. She paired that with peoples Zodiac sign. I KNOW it’s because she lived her life right. She had no enemies. A few people may of been envious of her for a few reasons but they wasn’t saying nothing. My Mother was such a fiesty person. She was no joke. My Father has seven sisters and had the Mother of all Mothers and my Aunts always say Mommy held her own on Baisley from jump. They loved her so much and she loved them as well. Couple that with Laverne as your little Sister and you already know what it was. 

I was so angry at my Mother most of my life. As a child  I always felt like I was such a good kid, student, human being and I deserved so much. As a woman I see that we were rich beyond measure. I was always in her business telling her what to do. She made decisions based on she had to go to work. My Mother worked for the United States Postal Service for 37 years. From the time she was eighteen years old until she retired due to illness. We always had a home, the same phone number, a car. She always made a way. She never had us around unsavory people.

Above all she respected our Father and loved him unconditionally. I admire their relationship so much. It wasn’t perfect by any means but he helped her take care of their kids and his family did too regardless if they were together or not. Thank you for believing in Daddy I see things so differently now. My sons are making you proud they are in your Image. I wish you was here to mold Jermaine Jr. and teach him and help me juggle everything. I wish you were here to calm me down at times and when necessary check the reckless. The nerve, the gall and the audacity Ginny. But you see it and I know you are in Heaven like I know my name. 

Mommy I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you Ginny. I know you have forgiven me and I have forgiven myself. You were right about David he always finds a way to shine. He is such a good brother to Jermaine Ginny. I know you want me to heal. I know you want me to be happy. You said I live the life of Reilly. Fame, fortune and recognition are just around the bend. But my spirit needs to rejoice. I’m alive and have two beautiful sons. You raised me right Ginny. I miss you and think about you all the time. No one like you will ever pass this way again.

Out of all the memories we share I see you when we won my case and you tricked me into drinking Champagne at lunch so you could drive my car. You KNEW I hated letting you drive. You pulled up to the funeral home and told me to go get  Daddy’s ashes it was time and that you knew I wanted to put him in the ground but keep him in my house until I was ready to travel and take him and release him. I’m ready to travel Mommy, I’m ready to let the world see what you saw all along. I love you Ginny-you told me to write a book in fifth grade when I won the Citywide Writing contest and I’m thirty years late but I’ll be finished by their birthdays. David is going to be 21 Mommy and J.J. he saved me Mommy we miss and love you so much but God loves you best....
I wanna Thank You Heavenly Father for shining your light on me....(your favorite song) I know Daddy sang it to you....


                          I never said Goodbye
Thinking of you today-of course that's nothing new. My thoughts drift to the life you lived and mine-What would Ginny do?

 I'm sorry Mama for everything the hurt the words left unsaid-I know you looked and ached for me as you waited for what lay ahead.

I KNOW you forgive and watch over me JJ is all YOU-his heart beats because its yours-God allowed you another life a different point of view

I smile inside even when the tears steadily fall
I remember everything and I will continue to give this life my EVERYTHING my ALL

If wishes were horses beggars would ride you told me so long ago
Let my light shine and NEVER be MAD just always KNOW