Last week was my birthday. I am thankful that God allowed me to see another year. I have been under tremendous stress with Jermaine Jr. trying to find an ideal setting for him. He starts Preschool in the Fall and honestly I went from being a bundle of nerves to becoming at peace because I know in order for my baby to thrive he must venture out in order to succeed.
David is DAVID always sliding through home base at the bottom of the Ninth to win the game. Just like my Mother prophesized. He needs to be HIM unapologetically and own his own terms. I admire how he lives his life, his devotion to his little brother. His comradery with his friends. His zest for exploration. At 22 I had a child, a career, an apartment and BILLS. I never left my hometown. Not run out, forced out or driven out. Just NEVER left.
One of my Best friends father passed away recently. To say I am saddened is an understatement. He lived a long life. I just worry about her. I know that grief can topple an already overflowing plate. Coupled with a fresh loss of a sibling I will be there for her as she has been there for me. EVERY time, never judgmental-I'm talking thirty-five years. We will get through this TOGETHER.
Stress has taken a toll on my body, mind and spirit. Gone are the days of yesteryear where a pep talk, indulgences or just a HUG could cure ALL. I have decided to channel all my energy into working on my body, my writing and my bank account. Jermaine will be in school full time and I for the first time in his life will have some time for myself (during normal business hours) yall KNOW I'm going to volunteer at the school I already told the Principal I was going to organize the Prom next year. He's in a space that is safe, loving and nurturing. I am so blessed to have found this oasis to run concurrent with his Michy. Michelle is I fifteen years ago-a Mother who just wants her child to have a life that others may covet. Her Maternal instinct led her to her field and I know that she loves my baby with a unfeigned and unalloyed guilelessness that is so touching in a world where blood means nothing.
As I write this Eboni called to talk and remind me to write. My cousin saved me. I kid you not. A lot of people have leaned on me and then turned around and pushed me down. Eboni has throughout our lives encouraged me. I will be forever indebted to her for the little and the big things. She has NEVER said "if I was YOU, if I HAD, if it was ME" about ANYTHING! She also spent two hours on the phone scheduling Jermaine's tests in the BEGINNING when NOBODY else cared but David, Auntie, and GOD. My cousin will be there fixing my hair and makeup for anything I ACHIEVE. Nana's spirit lives on through her and when the rare time comes and she feels her load is too heavy for and her husbands shoulders she can "COUNT ON ME" Anyone can get married but the true test of fidelity is do they MAKE you a BETTER human being and what did you create? Are they there through the good and bad times? "Kinda like Hussle and Boog"
I digress I'm just trying to give my kids EVERYTHING I didn't have. I can't do it if I'm not happy. I have to stop opening a closed door. I have to stop compromising what I deserve. It's not healthy to hold on to hurt but beloveds just because you forgive don't ever FORGET. I feel like my dreams are too big for some. That's OKAY. My dreams are too small for my children. I try not to remain stagnant and melancholy for long. MY sons are such bright lights in a dark world.
Writing makes me feel so alive! It always has! I amaze myself sometimes and its OK. Painters look at their creations on canvas and weep. Musicians play and finish and cry. I have to get it out. I have to help someone else. I am in an Autism parents support group. It is my Tribe. We and only US understand each other. Not to be too politically incorrect but Caucasian people are more open and forthcoming about things. Minorities tend to be guarded and at times downplay things. I've met many wonderful people in the group who share the same trials and triumphs. The frustration, strides, misunderstandings. Disrespect. Ignorance. Even in person waiting for the train I met Johanna with JJ. She has EJ he's a preteen and thriving.She fell in love with JJ and applauded me for traveling. So many similarities and HOPE. I have yet to encounter anywhere an African American Mother with a hearing impairment raising an Autistic child. I KNOW shes out there. I KNOW we have the same scars and badges of honor.
I love me. I let go of what was weighing me down. Cast it away. I don't CARE. I feign a lot of things to make others happy. WHO TRULY CARES IF I'm happy? I tried! I can honestly look at my sons and say that I tried. I can't and won't compromise who I am for ANYONE EVER again. It's so freeing. I be in my own world just checking off the mundane and phenomenal. Letting God work His Grace and Mercy. I wish everyone the best of luck in life. I HARBOR no ill will towards anyone. I don't have that type of time.
I Aint Mad at Nobody
I shot the sheriff AND the motherfucking deputy
Players make your wagers its time for final jeopardy
I KNOW where this is going YOU could NEVER get the BEST of me
Far Rock raised me and there's levels to my complexity
Always had my OWN, never moving post to post and comfortable everywhere
Could care less about prices fuck the menu just bring the silverware
Block parties in front of the crib for my son, getting entire parks drunk with the cops
Yall bitches aint low thirty years ago I knew yall was the OPPS
So say what you will I can't fucking hear you
But I bet my last dollar this bitch will never fear you
So scared that Kim and her kids gonna get this big suburban house
So yall hoes throwing shade and gasoline ANYTHING that will douse
So keep it like this and turn your tv off and stay out my sold out venues
I'm living for my Ancestors because like Nips spirit the Marathon Continues
David said if I lay two sick verses he's let me spit instead of just being cute in his videos
I'm just trying to buy a house all Cash and take some trips on a private jet sipping Casimigos
I don't have to chase whats for me its all in God's Plan
Not looking for megariches I just want my own land
I could sit here all day and inspire and preach
But the reality is I'm a single mother and it's time for therapy today is speech
I aint mad at nobody except the Justice Department about Eric Garner
that man was murdered for nothing we gained more martyrs he and his daughter
I feel like at times we living in the last days
So I'm a leave my mark on the world in a thousand different ways
Steve Harvey said NEVER give a man the opportunity twice to say he don't want you
So let a NEW love in that's so pure and genuine it will haunt you
Someone you can watch real housewives with and Martin at night
Don't gotta call him all day because hes at work and he always act right
Will dry my tears and also be quick to tell me im spoiled
Never have anyone texting my phone because he stays loyal
Lets you make your own choices and never tries to exploit you
Watch you fuck up and every time still always supports you
I'm on a Romantic Call Im talking to my baby down at mi Yard
Will spend 3 hours texting no vexing after working 12 hours dumb hard
you feel ok, hows the little one, did you write very good
on his rare days off even when tired he'll ride two hours to my hood
Love after hurt is often disastrous betrayal is a motherfucking beast
Never ask me for ANYTHING that's why I always prepare him a feast
NEVER laughs at my bars we the same age raised on the music of Big, Meth and DJ Clues
Life is like a Spike Lee Joint and this Chapter this Act is Mo Betta Blues
David is DAVID always sliding through home base at the bottom of the Ninth to win the game. Just like my Mother prophesized. He needs to be HIM unapologetically and own his own terms. I admire how he lives his life, his devotion to his little brother. His comradery with his friends. His zest for exploration. At 22 I had a child, a career, an apartment and BILLS. I never left my hometown. Not run out, forced out or driven out. Just NEVER left.
One of my Best friends father passed away recently. To say I am saddened is an understatement. He lived a long life. I just worry about her. I know that grief can topple an already overflowing plate. Coupled with a fresh loss of a sibling I will be there for her as she has been there for me. EVERY time, never judgmental-I'm talking thirty-five years. We will get through this TOGETHER.
Stress has taken a toll on my body, mind and spirit. Gone are the days of yesteryear where a pep talk, indulgences or just a HUG could cure ALL. I have decided to channel all my energy into working on my body, my writing and my bank account. Jermaine will be in school full time and I for the first time in his life will have some time for myself (during normal business hours) yall KNOW I'm going to volunteer at the school I already told the Principal I was going to organize the Prom next year. He's in a space that is safe, loving and nurturing. I am so blessed to have found this oasis to run concurrent with his Michy. Michelle is I fifteen years ago-a Mother who just wants her child to have a life that others may covet. Her Maternal instinct led her to her field and I know that she loves my baby with a unfeigned and unalloyed guilelessness that is so touching in a world where blood means nothing.
As I write this Eboni called to talk and remind me to write. My cousin saved me. I kid you not. A lot of people have leaned on me and then turned around and pushed me down. Eboni has throughout our lives encouraged me. I will be forever indebted to her for the little and the big things. She has NEVER said "if I was YOU, if I HAD, if it was ME" about ANYTHING! She also spent two hours on the phone scheduling Jermaine's tests in the BEGINNING when NOBODY else cared but David, Auntie, and GOD. My cousin will be there fixing my hair and makeup for anything I ACHIEVE. Nana's spirit lives on through her and when the rare time comes and she feels her load is too heavy for and her husbands shoulders she can "COUNT ON ME" Anyone can get married but the true test of fidelity is do they MAKE you a BETTER human being and what did you create? Are they there through the good and bad times? "Kinda like Hussle and Boog"
I digress I'm just trying to give my kids EVERYTHING I didn't have. I can't do it if I'm not happy. I have to stop opening a closed door. I have to stop compromising what I deserve. It's not healthy to hold on to hurt but beloveds just because you forgive don't ever FORGET. I feel like my dreams are too big for some. That's OKAY. My dreams are too small for my children. I try not to remain stagnant and melancholy for long. MY sons are such bright lights in a dark world.
Writing makes me feel so alive! It always has! I amaze myself sometimes and its OK. Painters look at their creations on canvas and weep. Musicians play and finish and cry. I have to get it out. I have to help someone else. I am in an Autism parents support group. It is my Tribe. We and only US understand each other. Not to be too politically incorrect but Caucasian people are more open and forthcoming about things. Minorities tend to be guarded and at times downplay things. I've met many wonderful people in the group who share the same trials and triumphs. The frustration, strides, misunderstandings. Disrespect. Ignorance. Even in person waiting for the train I met Johanna with JJ. She has EJ he's a preteen and thriving.She fell in love with JJ and applauded me for traveling. So many similarities and HOPE. I have yet to encounter anywhere an African American Mother with a hearing impairment raising an Autistic child. I KNOW shes out there. I KNOW we have the same scars and badges of honor.
I love me. I let go of what was weighing me down. Cast it away. I don't CARE. I feign a lot of things to make others happy. WHO TRULY CARES IF I'm happy? I tried! I can honestly look at my sons and say that I tried. I can't and won't compromise who I am for ANYONE EVER again. It's so freeing. I be in my own world just checking off the mundane and phenomenal. Letting God work His Grace and Mercy. I wish everyone the best of luck in life. I HARBOR no ill will towards anyone. I don't have that type of time.
I Aint Mad at Nobody
I shot the sheriff AND the motherfucking deputy
Players make your wagers its time for final jeopardy
I KNOW where this is going YOU could NEVER get the BEST of me
Far Rock raised me and there's levels to my complexity
Always had my OWN, never moving post to post and comfortable everywhere
Could care less about prices fuck the menu just bring the silverware
Block parties in front of the crib for my son, getting entire parks drunk with the cops
Yall bitches aint low thirty years ago I knew yall was the OPPS
I aint mad at nobody except the Justice Department about Eric Garner
that man was murdered for nothing we gained more martyrs he and his daughter
I feel like at times we living in the last days
So I'm a leave my mark on the world in a thousand different ways
So say what you will I can't fucking hear you
But I bet my last dollar this bitch will never fear you
So scared that Kim and her kids gonna get this big suburban house
So yall hoes throwing shade and gasoline ANYTHING that will douse
So keep it like this and turn your tv off and stay out my sold out venues
I'm living for my Ancestors because like Nips spirit the Marathon Continues
David said if I lay two sick verses he's let me spit instead of just being cute in his videos
I'm just trying to buy a house all Cash and take some trips on a private jet sipping Casimigos
I don't have to chase whats for me its all in God's Plan
Not looking for megariches I just want my own land
I could sit here all day and inspire and preach
But the reality is I'm a single mother and it's time for therapy today is speech
I aint mad at nobody except the Justice Department about Eric Garner
that man was murdered for nothing we gained more martyrs he and his daughter
I feel like at times we living in the last days
So I'm a leave my mark on the world in a thousand different ways
Steve Harvey said NEVER give a man the opportunity twice to say he don't want you
So let a NEW love in that's so pure and genuine it will haunt you
Someone you can watch real housewives with and Martin at night
Don't gotta call him all day because hes at work and he always act right
Will dry my tears and also be quick to tell me im spoiled
Never have anyone texting my phone because he stays loyal
Lets you make your own choices and never tries to exploit you
Watch you fuck up and every time still always supports you
I'm on a Romantic Call Im talking to my baby down at mi Yard
Will spend 3 hours texting no vexing after working 12 hours dumb hard
you feel ok, hows the little one, did you write very good
on his rare days off even when tired he'll ride two hours to my hood
Love after hurt is often disastrous betrayal is a motherfucking beast
Never ask me for ANYTHING that's why I always prepare him a feast
NEVER laughs at my bars we the same age raised on the music of Big, Meth and DJ Clues
Life is like a Spike Lee Joint and this Chapter this Act is Mo Betta Blues
I aint mad at nobody except the Justice Department about Eric Garner
that man was murdered for nothing we gained more martyrs he and his daughter
I feel like at times we living in the last days
So I'm a leave my mark on the world in a thousand different ways
Dope!!!!
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