Sometimes I can write ten pages without even skipping a beat. Sometimes the memories become too vivid and I have to take a break. I just want to keep the promise I made to my Late Mother oh so long ago. In the fifth grade after I won the Citywide Writing contest. That I would write and publish a book. The IRONY is Senator Sanders (my political nemesis at one time) was just starting out on the District Council and inspired me so with how eloquently he spoke.
Nana told me years ago to tell "OUR story" because I was going to be famous and someone would write mine. As I age and raise another child in a world full of empty dreams and false ties I KNOW how important speaking LIFE and being there for your children is. I honed my oratory skills in auditoriums, libraries, cafeterias and schoolyards with MANY of my family members in attendance-I STILL can see Nana in the back with her uniform on. Nodding approvingly, giving me the cues to slow down, lift my head. She's the reason I WALKED across the stage with no shoes on at graduation. Coming up from playing the saxophone with the band out the orchestra pit to receive awards. My feet hurt so bad. She knew it from when we got there. She told me to take my shoes off. I used to HATE being a NERD growing up. Now that I am grown I'M SO GLAD I was a nerd. I'm so glad I had my FAMILY, the friends I had, the teachers I had, my classmates- just my childhood. They're the only ones who really fuck with me like that anyway. I'm glad my mother worked hard, didn't rely on anyone, tried to give us the best she could and raised us the way she did. It doesn't matter how or where you start however the foundation you have does play a roll in who you become to some extent.
I asked David recently "what was it like to have a Mother who was deaf?" Jermaine is a baby and I know life will be different for him-unique because I'm hard of hearing. He said "he never really thought about it". I don't know how true that is but you know how low key David is. I lost my hearing when he was three and he doesn't remember when I could hear. It was just life. My father was devastated. He never really cried sincere tears he was emotional like me on G.P. but he was SAD because of my career just beginning to take off. And it was just really messed up. I was angry for a long time. Nana used to forget to look and me and when I said something she would say" oh I forgot you hear a little LESS NOW and squeeze me soooo tight! I still went to work, did the best I could and baked those brownies all year long.
The ladies at the Hearing Loss Association meetings who come from all walks of life and are stylish, attractive and successful used to ask me "how was I so confident and comfortable with my disability?" My suitors used to attend functions with me. The love em and leave em Era. I candidly told them that I am a big girl and always have been. No matter how good I look, how nice my clothes are, how round my ass is and high it sits and how sexy I am I am still a BIG girl. And I ALWAYS well almost always was ok with that. Being deaf is the same thing. It's part of who I AM. God's Plan. It took me many years to get to this point pertaining to my hearing loss. Some days are better than others people mock you when they have NOTHING else to say and try to belittle you instead of improving on who they see in the mirror. That's their lot in life and has nothing to do with you. So I'll be that fat, deaf bitch but I'm beautiful, intelligent, independent, stylish, successful and above all unapologetically fabulous. And YES I am paraphrasing that conversation we had years ago.
In conclusion, I'm ME. Perfectly imperfect. I'm just trying to LIVE the good LIFE while living my GOOD life. YOU write YOUR story. Make sure you make it GREAT.
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