The days are flying by. It's almost 2018. This year especially the last six months has been a catalyst in my life. I have set professional and personal goals and am trying the best I can to accomplish them. I'm also working on staying more present in the moment and enjoying life's wonderful yet chaotic way of keeping me fulfilled. I sleep more because I am exhausted at the end of each day.
My kids mean everything to me. When Jermaine Jr. was born my Beautiful, Sweet Mother had just passed away. Most of the people that said they would always be there walked away. I was devastated and overwhelmed. I felt betrayed and abandoned. All the time, love and energy I put into others making them feel safe, wanted and taken care of. Looking back retrospectively I now know it was all apart of God's PLAN. Unlike others I choose not to use social media or the internet to throw stones, subs or whatever the youth of today are terming "SHADE". Some things are better left unsaid. With age comes wisdom and growth. I had to have my life turned upside down in order to truly live rightside up. I am exactly where God wants me to be. I wish you well. I harbor no bitterness towards former friends, flames and foes. I can't spend another day, hour or minute dwelling on what could of, should have or didn't happen. I don't have that kind of time. Just don't diss the caterpillar yet sweat the butterfly.
I haven't really been Blogging consistently because I write daily. Writing is a beautiful thing. It truly is therapeutic. It's a doubled edged sword as well. It forces you to take a literal look at where you are, where you've been and hopefully where you are going. I'm not perfect-I have issues that I am dealing with daily. But the one thing I love about me is that I can depend on me. I had almost nothing left. I was battered but I wasn't broken. Never had I experienced despair like not having my Mother to rely on. But she is still here. I wasn't good to my Mother like I should of been in life. I put too much time and energy in people, places and things that mean NOTHING to me NOW. She understands. I miss her with everything in me. I miss her telling me to be my best me when I didn't feel like it. She put the cape on Wonder Woman. She BOUGHT the cape. SHIT she introduced me to Diana years ago!!! REAL TALK (tears)
It's funny how life plays out. My mother always boosted my confidence. I have a positive body image because my Mother always made me feel like I look amazing physically. From childhood. My entire family-Grandmothers, MOST of my Aunts. That's why I try to be happy all the time around J.J. It's not his fault about circumstances beyond his control. I spent two days without him when David watched him for me to have a weekend getaway. I missed him so MUCH. To know him is to love him. He's Mommy come right back to me.
Depression is a very serious epidemic especially in the African-American community. Women are conditioned to build a bridge and get over. If you don't deal with it it doesn't just go away. Sometimes there's not really enough hours in the day allotted to self-care. If you eliminate what's no longer serving you and designate that time to yourself it truly changes every aspect of your life. Seek help and don't be afraid to do it ALONE. And a lot of it stems from triggers. Don't surround yourself with situations or people that make YOU FEEL BAD. Bottom line-caskets don't have bunk beds! LIVE AND DO YOU.
I set many goals this year. I love my community and strive to be a leader by example. To bridge the divide. To be the voice for those who cannot speak or aren't HEARD. No matter where I go in life I will ALWAYS rep FAR ROCK. I just want something different for David and Jermaine. I want Jermaine to attend school and be judged on his merits and accomplishments. I want my enthusiasm and volunteerism to be met with the same respect and energy. I want David to be able to truly appreciate the fruits of his labor. Gentrification is REAL in New York City and like Brooklyn and Manhattan two years from now the demographic will be very different in my hometown. Prepare accordingly. I am not running from ANYTHING I'm just trying to get more bang for my proverbial buck.
I think that's why God has everything unfolding like He does. He never makes mistakes. He didn't want me to FLEE-he wanted my EXODUS to be a blessed DEPARTURE. I have a way with words some say I am even gifted. I am going to share my story with the world. It's not all pretty, tailored or polished. It's raw, hurtful and poignant. It's amazing as well. And true. I lived it, I'M LIVING it and above ALL I'm living for my parents. The two people who NEVER let me down even when I let them down and who always believed in me and my abilities even when I didn't. It's very sobering when you are basically everything to two people to appreciate two people who were everything to my Sister and I. I don't want to be sacrilegious. My mother taught David, Kazia and Kayla "it will get BETTER" she taught Courtney and I "FUCK that SHIT" In the immortal words of my Daddy my Twin- " Moving Right Along"
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